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Maybe in a diffrent light... [04 Dec 2004|08:25pm] hey peeps im still alive and im tired of hiding to all of you heres my new LJ Crystelle was the first to receive it and if i told anyone else they were first it was either a lie or i forgot haha well anyways here it is the my newest LJ baby PD_Watch_Me_Now my new lj was created because this one holds so many meories good and bad and to much envoling nellie it would rip me apart to contuie using this one since nellie no longer cares my black ass (pun intended) yeah anyways peace out to all that read this every day i thank you tons and ill see you in my new journal as i am forced to begain this new life im dropping this Journal Like its hot the end foos I'll Never Be The Same After You... xXTMCXx Formally Known as Squishy, Pyro Duckie, Purple Duckie, and Purple Boy Embrace the Sickness

[28 Nov 2004|06:36pm] just one smile... and im ready to die... cause your so beautiful... Your so beautiful oh my baby... oh your so beautiful oh my darling..     Can't you see my darling... That the harder i try... The more we grow apart... Please believe me... The sweeter the kiss... The colder turn your arms... And the colder grows your heart... And baby more i love you...       always and forever you hold the sweetest most painful spot you hold my heart i gave you all i had the pain the tears they were for you and now im left here broken and cold enjoy life find someone that can give you what your heart desires... i will always love you Nellie 06/21/2002-My heart's first beat 11/28/2004- My heart's last beat   Timothy Michael Cook   Embrace the Sickness

we're at the Wars end. [28 Nov 2004|06:22pm] [ mood | on the verge of tears ] [ music | Funeral of Hearts - H.I.M ] yea people the checkered flag has been wavied and my dreams hopes and heart poisoned like Alexander The Great the Timmy and Nellie era seems to have come to an end and all it took was a video of some betrayal, cheating, fighting, ryan, and a bit of hand holding to kill something i felt was so beautiful but you know i guess all good things really must come to an end and im sure nellie and everyone else will make it seem like it was all me and im the complete bad guy and ingore the fact that she cheating on me with Ryan O., Johnathan G., P.J, and probally more but you know whatever floats yours boats thisd journal is done and finshed i love you all and ill see you in the after life BITCHES peace out! Love's the funeral of hearts... Timothy Michael Cook 2 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

well thats all folks [27 Nov 2004|09:02pm] this LJ is probally offically dead unless things change with me and nellie i hope you enjoyed the time you got to listen to my rambling a few of you will still be able to listen to my crapola well peace out and if you see the picture again it means thats it for sure and this LJ is really really really gone 3 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

I'm So Far Gone Now... [24 Nov 2004|02:14pm] [ mood | somewhat smiling ] [ music | I caught fire - The Used ] whats going on ladies and gentlemen? im chillin with Chris and Allen yup im decently dying not to rapidly at the moment how are you all? well yesterday i went to this think called 10 buck tuesday it was the bomb shizzle ill fill you in on my day First chris spent the night and johnny was supposed to be he was like dont worry ill wake up and shit and so we were like ok so at like 2:15 we went to go get johnny and you know what that fat ass was doing? fucking sleeping piece of shit so anyways we woke him up or sorta did he didnt wanna get out of bed that fat ass so we had to leave with out him and we went and got allen then headed over to my church where we got in vans and rode the fuck on up to el cajon we got are stupid wrist bands and played some games it was the shit then we ate some pizza and played mini golf and i was winning till i got screwed and i lost so we went to the gokarts and i spun chris out and since he got last he had to by me food allen beat med so he got 3 dollars and Oh we went to kfc to eat when it closed then in the van ride home we started up a huge spitwad fight it was the shizzite and they told us we had to clean our trash inculeding the spitwads and chris was like "you know theres a bunch of amendments to the consitution...and i...plead the fizzth" haha it was fucking funny and i hit this kid we nicknamed circle jerk in the eye mwa hahaha but yeah that was my fun for the night im glad i had a few hours of a good time i lucked out to have been able to keep some good friends well ima go i might go visit you kacie if your working this saturday :D we can go get my damned del taco :P bye people ima get off the computer before my good sorta mood is gone Such a Brillant Star You Are... Timothy Michael Cook 2 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

damn [22 Nov 2004|04:20pm] [ mood | crushed ] i dont even know why i feel like posting this shit fucking sucks it seems that everytime i do something for myself it blows up in my face i never relized how hard it is to just lose someone i mean she said she didnt want to lose me but she obviously doesnt care and not even being concided or whatever but after all the cheating and fights over the same people and all the other...stuff i still stayed with the person that everyone thought wasnt good enough for me but i mean if she thinks shes gonna find someone else that will take all that shit ... man shes got another thing coming but whatever i just dont even care right now ive never been one to do anything right and its so hard waking up to a life where theres no one i know will always be there for me i took that shit for granteed... i guess nellie doesnt need me and all these people that wanted us a part your welcome i hope your happy with yourselves you just put your 2 cents into everyone's problems like you know whats best... youve fucked up my life and the one thing that matter most to me and kyna you know i say alot of shit and your probally not even reading this but i considered you a friend before all this i trusted your if i needed help you probally would have been on that list but you dont fucking care you made it seem like i was the bad guy anytime there was a problem when it was normally nellies fault all along but you just couldnt put her at fault thanks a whole fucking lost for helping in the past months making me feel like a worthless piece of shit...thanks Chris and Johnny for just hanging out with me youve probally saved my life and you dont even know it but thank you i love you both in the straighest way possible To all the ones i love and to all the ones i hate and to the one that matters most, Take care and have a great future Nellie i hope you find the one that holds the spot in your heart you would never let me have and have a wonderful life... Timothy Michael Cook 3 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

[15 Nov 2004|07:51pm] It's been a long year Since you've been gone I've been alone here I've grown old I fall to pieces, I'm falling Fell to pieces and I'm still falling Every time I'm falling down All alone I fall to pieces I keep a journal of memories I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe I fall to pieces, I'm falling Fell to pieces and I'm still falling All the years I've tried With more to go Will the memories die I'm waiting Will I find you Can I find you We're falling down I'm falling you happy now kyna? this is what you wanted right me to be fucking torn apart so nellie can tell you shes happy and you all dont have you worry about my ass right this is what you fucking wanted isnt it well you might be getting your wish because i cant take this anymore i hope your happy because id rather die then be in this position Timothy Michael Cook 1 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

Here we go buddies! [01 Nov 2004|07:57pm] [ mood | contemplative ] ite this is my last post before its locked for good to the certain people so you all know how i feel about you enjoy :D {Kacie} - kacie shit doods shes like my i dunno shes always there when i need to talk to someone and since she only gets my perspective shes always looking out for the timster which is cool now go wet some gater and shake a tower woot woot for the kacie! {Spencer} - spencer was my past brother from another mother till he tried to fuck me over twice hes a dick dont talk to him i hope he dies by choking on his own vomit {Vanester The Molester aka Nessa} - Nessa nessa nessa i love her crazy ass she cracks me up and when im glum shes always there for me which is sweet of her she doesnt have to be nice but she always is so for that im eternal grateful thanks! {Alie G} - alie is my rocking homie from the eastside of the world :P naw but shes up there with the coolest cats around and i love her crazy ass too by the way TAKING BACK SUNDAY SUCks!!!!! {Brittany V!} - the brit man shes so fucking hillarous she always cracks me up that crazy ass bitch!!! i love her she was always there for me in 8th grade always (Big Daddy Chris} - my white man connection chris is my new go to guy hes always at my house like a second scott except he cant kick my ass haha which brings me too... {Scott} - my wrestling homie from the big EC hes always there when i need him a true homie i mean he spent the most hellish week with me HAWAII SUCKS BIG!! {Johnny} - Tons-of-fun! johnny is my fat man connection hes chris hang out guy and my old time homie from 8th grade his fat hes funny and he doesn backflips when hes drunk what more can yah ask for {Ricky Tang} - my brother from another mother asian homie ricky tang barely started talking to that asian this year in Comp Graffix! {Lexie} - white chick funny as hell helpped me during 8th grade gotta love her Lessie Jung you so dumb {Colin} - my bi-sexual HOMIE im afraid to visit him because he will rape me but i love him and his crazy ass hair "Fuck you Fuck me Fuck Anarchy!" {CrYsTeLlE} - my bestestestestestest friend i love her short mexican self and maybe one day we will be 5 feet tall WOOT haha just fucking around i love you crys! {JJ} - jj is my camera lady shes always there when i need her and she comments more then anyone else in my LJ love yah {Julia} - a rarely talk to her anymore but i still love her and he crazy ass have fun with simon hun ;) Well if i missed anyone send me a comment and ill throw your ass in here and kyna your still a slut in my book and val your alrite atleast you try to make peace for that i wont blast you no more :D enjoy have fun Timothy Michael Cook 4 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

Wicked Game [27 Sep 2004|02:19pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | Some Shitty Shit in the Background ] hey well im in my last period class and i dont know what to do i had a panic attack during 5th period and yeah im just pretty confused i guess my emotions are coming back because all i can feel is pain...i hung out with nellie yesterday im im starting to think that was a bad choice because im a bit fucked now im sorta torn on what to do give up or keep trying to get her back i dont know what she wants...hell i dont know what i want but hey i guess i normally dont so ill see how shit goes and that will be it o well have fun Timothy Michael Cook 10 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

Hmm... [23 Sep 2004|08:13pm] Well i read nellies post and it got me thinking shes trying to say i dont deserve this treatment and this and that. well shit after 2 years she decided this. well shit thanks alot this time i was gonna try to do right i was gonna let her do what she wanted let her be what she wanted and through all this i thought you know she would love me more you know or something i dont even know i did everything i could i let her hang out with anyone i let her treat me like shit i mean i dont even know whatelse to do but it just wasnt good enough for her or it just wasnt good enough period i though this was one thing i could do right make someone feel loved and keep them but i coulnt even do that fuck davey can keep someone happy and i cant even manage that with 2 years of pratice then again she didnt try to make this relationship survive she let it die she wanted to be a couple outside of school but inside we were just friends maybe she was embarassed of me who knows and right now who cares i guess this was my fate god was playing with me leading me around to make me thing i was doing something right before socking me in the fucking face but whatever nellie left me thats how she wants it maybe she will be happy this way i didnt even get to slip in my part i wish i got a say in these life changing decisions but i guess im just along for the ride maybe thats the end of the ride maybe nellies done with me shes played with me treated me like shit given me crap and now after all that work she dumps me well fine...thats how it goes... Timothy Michael Cook 2 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

I Think I'd Look Sexy With A Slit Throat [23 Sep 2004|07:39pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | The Silence of my State of Being ] i like this feeling this state of blankness i looked at nellie today we made eye contact i had this mix emotion sorta feeling like i wanted to slam her head into the wall then nurse her back to help you know to show how much i could hate someone and then show how much i could love someone thats kinda crazy sounding aint it? ive been reading backroads to much but yeah like i didnt really feel anything like she was just another face in the crowd and it didnt hurt though it probally would have but i didnt feel any emotion today nothing not happiness not sadness not hate not love nothing and it was rather nice it was like a break from the real world and i rather enjoyed it though i have a feeling its right there trying to break through the surface... i went to levi's house we were like fighting with these sword things and i blacked out i dont know what happened for like 5 mins i guess i was still fighting or something who knows but whatever maybe i will die later on that would be neato i wonder what it feels like to die you know? hmm i feel like good old timmy maybe i will start cutting and drinking again that would be neat break a few promises here and there not that they matter i dont matter to her so why should my promises you know? hmm well im gonna go and pack up all the shit nellie gave me maybe ill get some sort of emotion back or some shit...well ill be out and about peace Timothy Cook 3 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

Maxwell Murder [22 Sep 2004|11:43pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Nothing ] you know when you start feeling suicidal more people seem to care if your depressed the few good friends try and help you but damn when you have slit throat in your name its like BAM hey i love you dont do that Timothy Michael Cook 1 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

Heart of Gold [22 Sep 2004|10:34pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Heart of Gold - BLS ] well its done again nellie left me...it doesnt really hurt like it usually does i just feel sorta blank i dont know how i should feel im just here like an empty shell of a man i guess a bunch of people want to beat the shit out of me thats cool i guess i dont care anymore they wanted to beat me up for being with nellie so i guess i possibley got out of a beating though they will probally make up another excuse maybe nellie cried again though if she did i dont care she left me she can cry her fucking eyes out because at the moment not a single part of me feels remorse im addicted to her like shes a drug and as crystelle put it she can fuck with me all she wants because she knows ill still be there its like living without a heart it just doesnt work out but whatever if people want to beat me up because im in love then thats just the way its gonna go love is emotionally painful i might as well have a bit more physical pain right? hell i wont throw a punch hows that people mainly JT since he wants to beat me up probally more then anyone you can kick my ass whatever i dont even give a fuck anymore i hope he knows that she asked me out and she dumped me everything about this was all her decision i just agreed and i let her slip through my fingers again one lame excuse after another atleast this one was better then the last one but whatever im beganing to hate females maybe i should just go gay or be one of those crazy people that flat out dont like men or women dont have sex dont even think about it i give props to those people they live happy without love i thought that was the only way i would ever be happy being with nellie you know? she held so much that i wanted she actually liked me i mean shit a person i liked liked me that was good enough for me at the time you know i didnt ask for much i dont think i do now either but hey maybe i do maybe im just a bad boyfriend maybe its my fate to be single for the rest of my life maybe ill die soon all those at the moment seem like reasonable...maybe ill be come bad ole' timmy who did drugs and other stupid shit hmmm should be fun maybe ill even start cutting again wow wouldnt that be a fucking trip? what ever good night people i hope all of you that are happily in love burn in fucking hell except for Kacie and Julia and anyone else who has helped me thanks crystelle for being there and being blunt i love you sis peace out Timothy Michael Cook                                 1 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

Join me in Death [20 Sep 2004|06:08pm] 2 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

Praise Chorus [20 Sep 2004|06:00pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | A Praise Chorus - Jimmy Eat World ] hey people whats going on? well today was rather depressing but whatever i guess i just have to adjust to this new relationship but hey ill manage i guess i dont know if this is what nellie really wants you guys think i was to rash? *sighs* o well i guess if she didnt she would tell me wouldnt she? naw probally not huh o well i guess if she doesnt want to she doesnt have to be with me...mark my words one day that fag will get his ass kicked if i ever see him outside of school without little bitches that would jump me im kicking his fucking ass bottom line...fucking little prick Timothy Michael Cook Good Things Are Never Gonna Quite What You Want... Embrace the Sickness

On a Mission To Get Every H.I.M CD Made [19 Sep 2004|12:28pm] [ mood | busy ] Thats Right i'm on a mission im not gonna eat lunch anymore and im gonna clean in order to get these cds im working out a deal with my mom to where if i clean the house every weekend she will buy me another H.I.M cd if it all works out ill have them all in no time wooot! your all welcome to help me out you know a few bucks here and there thanks people btw KACIE STILL OWES ME DEL TACO! love yah people peace.... Timothy Michael Cook 1 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

11:26 [16 Sep 2004|11:15pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | Humming ] I have my one and only lover back shes all mine once more and im a happy mine timmy is truely back thank you all that helped me i love you peace xXTMCXx Nellie --- how's it going to be when you don't know me anymore? [thnx] says: i'm gona tell u my answer... cuz that's what u wanted an answer. so yeah. my answer is POSITIVE......... fuck, that was lame. timmy will u be my one and only lover again?\ H.I.M I hear you breathe so far from me I feel your touch so close and real... says: ofcourse 2 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

Still 5 Days but now I ponder [16 Sep 2004|09:52pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Slience ] This whole thing is horrible what ive done simply because you would think that if nellie truely loved me she would have already made her decision i know i love her i truely do i cound never love another after all the shit shes put me through after all the shit ive took for her hell after all the shit ive helped her with this is how i am repayed? i made her who she is now i stopped her drugs i stopped her drinking i stopped alot of flirting i stopped her shit all of it her bad habits all of it no matter what anyone else says i have heard from her own lips that she has said ive helped her thats its been mostly me if not competely me but fine fucking fine she has her days she can use them as she wishes thats how its going to be if thats what she wants to do then fine ill let her be i love her and to lose her could be the death of me what what is a risk i am willing to take for her happiness those this will prove to everyone without a doubt if she loved me or not so i guess whe should wait and see...yup thats what we will have to do...wait and see... in my shell i wait and bleed.... Timothy Michael Cook Embrace the Sickness

5 Days and Counting [16 Sep 2004|03:54pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | The Silence of my State of Being ] Hello this could end up being the final days of the Timmy And Nellie Era..god i hope not but yeah as i was saying this is how it all boils down im telling everyone so no one askes me anymore i dont like to talk about it Yesterday Septmember 15, 2004 I told nellie how this thing was gonna go down for the next 6 im not going to be talking to her so she can think about this relationship and how much it means to her if she calls and asks for help as much as i hate it im not going to help her or talk to her till she gives me my answer she can leave me messages on the cellphone on the internet and comments on my live journal but i will not answer till i have my answer she has till the 21st before i talk to her again but its not going to be a conversation oh no im only going to call 5 times for those 24 hours the first time will be excatly 12 am on the 21st the second will be 11:30 pm same day if she says give me more time i will call back later she has till 11:59 to give me my answer now heres how shit will go down depending on her answer from what i feel is the best to the worst If she says yes-we get to live on happy happy joy joy hopefully If she says no-then thats it between me and nellie no more dating no more nothing of that nature we can still be friends if she wishes but not till i can get over her If she says she doesn't know or doesnt give me an answer-at 12am on the 22nd her phone number is being blocked on all of my phones inculding all of the cell phones between the family same with all the phones and i will block her on every email i have till the next 21st rolls around then i will ask her only once for her answer if she says she doesn't know im going to hang up and if she doesnt call back by 11:59 i will take it as if she said no i know this seems so very rash and mean but i have to go to these extents because i cant take this anymore from what ive heard shes said and what she says and does it makes her seem two-faced so ill kill two birds with one stone if she loves me she will take me back no questions asked if she doesnt like everyone is saying she will say no and thats it no questions asked. its now 5 days and counting and im scared of what she will say if its no..ill have alot to think about but ive said it and im putting my foot down if she loves me like i love her then by the 21st ill be happy joyous timmy out of all of this though i will always treasure the these days. Nellie if your reading this i just want you to know even though this might interfer with your decision i have to get it off my chest. i love you more then anything when i see you my heart soars to new hights i dont know what im going to do without you if it comes to that but ill find a way to live on i just hope you will be happy in your future adventures and remember no matter what anyone says no one will ever love you like i love you this might be my last chance to tell you this so i hope it matters to you i love you nellie ive given you the best i could ever give someone for the past 2 years of my life and i wish to keep on giving i would love nothing more to in the future be a husband to you as we had planned so long ago but as the days roll by your new story will be told my heart is a like a shatter jar of hopes and dreams as i sit here and pour out my heart to the world i need you to help me fix it on your own accord my decision is mine alone as yours is what you decide will affect us both but i leave that up to you as i have all ways left things up to you you seem to be the smart of us two anyways goodbye and good luck and remember.....no matter what they say....I will always love you... Timothy Michael Cook  4 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

Happily Sedated [14 Sep 2004|08:12am] I'm done. I quit homeschool. Right now I'm Schooless. Till my mom puts me back in Imperial. I don't know whats up between me and Nellie. All I know is I'll be back in Imperial, and I'm gonna tear it up. So be fucking ready the boss is coming back. 3 Embraced The Sickness| Embrace the Sickness

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